we dud it

okay it has been a while! lots of thoughts to gather.

yes, i graduated from college. it was weird/whatever. my mom made enough food to feed an army and they threw a nice party where i got to see lots of family members i havent seen in ages. i always feel melencholy when i go home. anyway, it was nice to the point where i became an emotional wreck. i think my parents have just accepted my emotional outbursts. it was in a nice way, though...whatever that means. why am i always so full of emotion. i hate it sometimes.

also, sar and erica thank you for my beautiful roses and graduation surprise. what great friends i have.

i still have no idea what im doing after june. its to the point where i have to mentally stop myself from hyperventilating on a daily basis. yet i still figure no plan. its like i have this really great capability to completly mentally block things out that i feel i cannot handle, then followed by manic swings in mood and then freak outs. what the hell am i going to do.

well there might be something brewing for me in el sul, but who knows how realistic that idea is so im not going to mention anything...i feel like i have so many places that i want to go, but i really need to stay right here until i figure out just what exactly im trying to do with all of these ideas. what the hell would going back to italy accomplish? am i just trying to escape responsibility? im a firm believer that you cant just live your life to fulfill wants and desires, but at what point is there a balance? what if i die this year? seriously! ive got to stop drinking so much coffee.

tara is leaving this weekend and just sent me the sappiest text. i dont think these people understand how huge they are in my life and how they really can not leave ALL AT ONCE. what the HELL am i going to do without you guys? seriously. im going to be one of those people who slip into severe depression never to be seen again by anyone but they have been there all along just no one notices they exist any more and then they DIE one day and a neighbor finds them a week later in their storage unit because of the smell.

ANYWAYYY, we are heading to the beach on friday! we need a hoorah.

i really can not get behind this job. does this not make me a huge faker? i have got to get a handle on this shit. why am i doing this again. am i ever going to create a life that makes me happy? i know it is something that i can create wherever i am, but this is just too complicated.

this post has made me feel very lost and now im going to go take a lap. ohhhkay great!