home for a while

so ive been thinking about a fitting post to my sum up my final semester abroad and my last few weeks in Italy. ive been searching for something that would explain how i feel, something fitting for my personal experience, or some cliche quote about traveling or life in general...but it just isnt working out and we're better off for it. all i really want to say is to tell you that i went to Italy with these presumptions about where i was in my life, what i wanted to learn, and what i thought i would learn, and if there is one particular thing i am learning to appreciate the most, it is the list of all those other things i picked up while stumbling along my way. all of those things i learned in moments i was lost (which did indeed compose the state of my physical or figurative mind in the majority, or entirety, of my last four months) and i really am grateful for it, i am. i am just struggling with what to do with these things. where to put them now. i love traveling, and it just sucks that i stopped it to come home and i no longer feel home. ive always known that life would come to bite those people in the ass who are most set in their ways, when they thought they really had it made and had everything going right, but the more i think about it the angrier i get that that is the way it came to be for me. that was never my goal, in fact i search for life situations that test my abilities, that rock my boat, because i want to know just how sturdy it is. i left raleigh five months ago really being okay with the way things were going. and now i have come back and really its not the same. should i have expected this? i know this is not a bad thing, my life is not in eminent danger and on the scale of possible shitty life situations, mine really does not even compare. its just that i thought i learned my lesson about leaving the things and people that have come to matter to me knowing the risk that they might dissapear in my absence. that is a chance that i knew i was taking, but i thought i could trust in things that i couldnt, because everything inevitably changes. i just thought things would be different this time. i thought i had learned that lesson, i could file it away and not have to worry this time. because its not that i am inherently different, but normalcies, they are missing. everything feels different. everything is different i guess. but most of these things that i feel are so different, why is it making me feel so uneasy? i can deal with change. i look forward to it. ive been living it lately. i guess i just thought coming home meant coming back to familiarities, taking a break from this searching and there are a number of things that just arnt the same in my life. i feel less at home here than i did alone in a foreign country. why? a friend once asked me if i could pinpoint the time when my parents house no longer was home to me. this thought has never been more clear to me. and still, i know this is not the cause of my uneasiness. it is everything else. it is the way that i feel more lost than ever in every place that came to feel like home, and so unfinished in so many different endeavors. and if i am perfectly honest with myself, i think i knew that feeling left before i came back. ive been alone for a while now, but i guess i prefer the feeling on a train to somewhere ive never been. its actually kind of funny, ive come home but i still feel missing.